Old dreams, new lessons

Barbara Bandler Steinmetz

Barbara and her sister spend the summer of 1946 at another Jewish camp. While they are away, their father receives a promising job offer to work at a restaurant in Arverne, a modest beachfront community in New York City’s borough of Queens. The Bandlers decide to leave Boston in search of more stable employment. In Arverne, the Bandlers rent another one-room apartment and settle in. Margit, who continues to struggle with English, helps make ends meet working as a house cleaner. Barbara remembers these difficult times and remains in awe of her mother’s dignity: “My mother would say, ‘Every job is important. Every job done well is important.’ And she was the best toilet cleaner anywhere!” The lesson of a job well done is one Barbara has passed on to her own children. “When someone says a ‘menial job,’ I say there is no menial job,” Barbara offers, “every job is important, and the important thing is to do the job well.”

The deprivations of life in a one-room apartment cannot quash Alexander’s dreams. Though he is self-educated, Alexander encourages Barbara and Ann to pursue formal studies. He also primes them to draw inspiration from art and music. “Culture and music are your life,” Barbara remembers him repeating. One day, Alexander comes home from a long day at the restaurant holding tickets for the Metropolitan Opera. The Bandlers all attend the evening performance dressed in second-hand clothes because Alexander insists that they have come to the U.S. for freedom, and “they can go to the opera if they want to,” no matter what they are wearing.

The fall of 1946 brings changes to the Bandler household. Barbara’s cousin, Panni [Anne] Bay, who has survived the Holocaust, makes her way to the U.S. at the age of 17. The Bandlers sponsor her immigration visa, knowing they must help despite their own hardships. The traumatized Panni moves into the cramped quarters of the Bandler’s apartment in Arverne as soon as she arrives. Barbara, Ann, and Panni sleep in one bed; Alexander and Margit in another.

The Bandlers learn that Panni’s mother Vilma, a seamstress, was shot by the Nazis during a roundup near Budapest. Panni tells her relatives the chilling story of sneaking through the streets to turn over corpses to look for her missing mother.

Somehow, despite their poverty, Margit manages to scrape together enough money to buy Panni a special present for her 18th birthday: a brand new, green sweater. “We were all wearing hand-me-downs,” Barbara explains, so the miraculous gift of a new article of clothing leaves the family crying with emotion. Panni will remain devoted to the Bandlers and lives with them for many years, until she marries another survivor and starts her own family.

(l-r): Ann, cousin Panni, Barbara and cousin Imre in the Budapest Zoo in June, 1939.

Courtesy of Barbara Bandler Steinmetz

Transcript

Barbara: Anyway, going back to New York, we found that my cousin-- my cousin Panni and my cousin Oscar were alive and-- and my-- that they were the children of my uncle that already lived here in this country. And he was in no position to take care of them. My cousin was under 18, and she was able to come to this country right after the war. But she had no place to go. So she came to live with us. We lived in this tiny, little furnished place. And my cousin came to live with us. The-- she had suffered a great deal during the war. She'd lost her mother.

Her brother wasn't around. Her father wasn't around. She kind of was pushed from place to place. She really-- she suffered a great deal. When she came to live with us, she had nothing. She had not-- she had not known any kind of safe harbor for the-- for many years. Her birthday's on November 6, and she came to live with us sometime in September or October. Now November 6, my mother made a birthday cake for her, [PAUSES FOR 5 SECONDS] and went out and bought her a brand new sweater. She hadn't had anything new. [PAUSES FOR 3 SECONDS] She hadn't had anything in so many years. [PAUSES FOR 3 SECONDS] And it impacted us all. [PAUSES FOR 3 SECONDS] Anyway, she came here at 17, and she had not been at school. And of course, coming to this country, she couldn't go to school, because she had to go to work. And so she was under 17. She was under 18, and she started working. She knew how to sew, and she went to work in a bra factory. But she lived with us for many years. And she's still like an older sister to me. She's a-- a very special person. [PAUSES FOR 3 SECONDS]

In terms of our family in Hungary, when we found out who was alive, my father immediately-- my father and mother-- immediately started sending packages to Hungary. And those packages kept them alive. Because after the war, they had nothing. And so my parents, with the little money that they earned-- remember, we were living in a furnished apartment with all of our clothing from the welfare federation. But my parents took all the money that they had, and they bought cocoa. And they bought coffee. And they bought nylons-- anything that the family in Europe could sell-- not to use themselves, but to sell-- and use the money for whatever. And I can remember being-- I don't know, maybe nine, 10, 11 years old at the time-- those years-- saying to my parents that I wanted new clothes like the other girls in school. I mean, I looked like a refugee. And-- [PAUSES FOR 3 SECONDS] and my father said that, you know, that taking care of our family was the most important thing.

"When she came to live with us, she had nothing. She had not ... known any kind of safe harbor for ... many years."

USC Shoah Foundation Visual History Archive, Interview 38619

Barbara's cousin Panni in Budapest, mid-1930s

Courtesy of Barbara Bandler Steinmetz

Transcript

Barbara: Sometime during the year-- well, that-- the fall of the year that we moved to New York was the end of the war-- was--and-- and my-- we heard about our family in Europe. And we heard that, well, actually, it was the-- I'm sorry. I-- I have to go back. It was when we were living in Boston. That was 1945. That was when we heard about our family in Europe. And the first telegram that we received was that our family in-- in Budapest, my father's brother and wife and son were alive, but that my mother's family, they didn't-- hadn't heard about anything about my mother's family. They lived in Győr. They didn't live in Budapest. We knew that the Jews from the outlying districts of Budapest were killed. They were all taken. And then we received-- the following telegram we received was that my grandmother had also died. And my-- but she died immediately after the war. She didn't die during the war. And I think she died of a brain hemorrhage. I-- I-- I can't remember. But-- but I remember my father was devastated by the news. And it was the only time I ever saw my father cry. But when he received the telegram, he-- he burst into tears. He just-- that his-- his family had been decimated. [PAUSES FOR 3 SECONDS] My mother's sister-- we subsequently learned that my mother's sister and niece and child were-- were also killed in Auschwitz.

Interviewer: What were their names?

Barbara: My mother's sister's name was Elizabeth-- Erzsebet Steiner-- Vamosi Steiner. And my cousin's name was Klari Steiner, and she-- she was married. And I can't remember what her married name was. And she had a child, and they were-- - they were killed. I think her husband was also killed.

Interviewer: Do you remember this news yourself?

Barbara: I don't remember the news. I remember my father-- I remember my father's total devastation. I'm gonna guess I-- my mother also was devastated, but it probably-- for a kid-- I was probably so impacted by my father breaking down. My father never broke down. And through all of the-- all the-- all our wanderings, he was the most determined man. He was-- he was a man that found out all the facts, and then he just pushed forward no matter what.

He didn't-- he didn't look back. He made a decision. And the decision was-- that was it. It was the best decision that he could make at the time, and he just forged forward. And you know, to see him break down, I must--for a kid, I must have been just shocked to see him break down and cry. I'd never-- I never perceived him to have any kind of softness about him. He was a tough man when it came to-- to everything-- when it came to educating us, when it came to disciplining us. He was very rigid in his disciplining. He had great expectations of his kids. We were to perform all the time. And there was no excuse for not performing. He always wanted us to function at our absolute max. And it was to preserve us. He-- I think that he knew that that's what-- that's what kept him alive--was to be a strong person and to be a determined person. And that's what he passed on to us.

"I don't remember the news. I remember my father--I remember my father's total devastation."

USC Shoah Foundation Visual History Archive, Interview 38619

Many of the Bandlers' relatives in Hungary did not survive the war; those who did suffered greatly. When Alexander Bandler learns of his family's fate, he is devastated and breaks down in tears. It is the first time in her life that Barbara has seen him cry.

After the war, anti-German sentiment is common and many Bandlers fear repercussions for their German-sounding name. In Hungary, Barbara's uncle Arpad Bandler changes his family name to the more Hungarian-sounding "Tahi," which comes from the village Tahitótfalu where the Bandler family originated. Today, Tahitótfalu is part of Budapest.

In the United States, Barbara's uncle Eugene Bandler and his daughter Panni adopt the family name "Bay" for similar reasons.

In the back on the left is Barbara's cousin Oscar Bandler Bay, third from left (wearing glasses) is Barbara's grandmother Frida Bing Bandler, who died during the war. To her right is Vilma Bandler, who was murdered in an 'Aktion' in Budapest, and her daughter Panni (in a white dress), and Manci Kraus (holding a baby). In front, Barbara's uncle Arpad Bandler Tahi with his son Imre. Budapest, c. 1938.

Courtesy of Barbara Bandler Steinmetz

Barbara's uncle Arpad Bandler Tahi, his wife Bozsi, and their son Imre survived the war. Budapest, Summer 1945.

Courtesy of Barbara Bandler Steinmetz

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